Monday, September 22, 2008

Coming Out Headaches

I'm thinking about being "out" and what the hell I should be out as. I realize that on campus, people from last fall know I am asexual because I lead a discussion on it (which was only attended by 2 people, btu which provoked consistent individual inquiries). Now that I am back, many people notice that I display a lot of interest in transgender topics and I am open about being involved in several related projects. However, newbies (especially freshmen who met me at pride) have incessantly felt the need to refer to me as a dyke, carpet-muncher, and bulldagger (in a jestful, accepting way but in a none the less something-I-don't think-of-myself-as-kind-of-way ).

I'm thinking about coming out to my mother and father, though its been months since I talked to either of them, and I have no idea what to come out as. I feel gender is more important to who I am than any kind of identity based on romantic relationships. I think about gender in every interaction I have, whereas I've has three crushes in the last three years. The catch is that I do have a girlfriend now, and I feel like I have to choose between acknowledging how much I care about her and anyone thinking of me in any of the ways I think of myself. I feel like her existence makes dyke trump trans in the public eye. I feel like our relationship undermines my claim to asexuality. It's as if she is everyone's confirmation that everything they assume about me has always been right. Now, how much are people really thinking about my sexual identity and gender identity? It's not that I think they are, it's more that there are a lot of unspoken assumptions that are coming into play more directly as I'm being more open. I feel like I'm on the defensive with this whole coming out process, doing damage control, dispelling myths, and disarming rumors. As I sit down to script out another conversation with a friend about it all, I can't escape the nagging condemnation that I make things this complicated on purpose...

What I've Been Thinking...

WARNING: This is going to be a rambly as hell post.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships, about what self-exploration can do for you versus the kinds of growth and learning that comes from interactions with others. I've been thinking about how I've spent 19 years figuring out everything on my own, a years debating what the place for others was in this schema, and now that I've decided to let other people help me, I'm confronting the possibility that I am leaning too much on others to challenge and push me. Is it true that I have ceased to push myself?

I've also been reading a sweet blog by a kinky anarchist genderqueer on the west coast (they always are). http://subversivesub.wordpress.com . It makes me think I should post more about kink...

Monday, September 8, 2008

To My Adoring Public

With school starting, I will be posting less. My goal is once a week. Let's see if I can keep up with that mediocre pace.

Chlirissa